Here nor There

You belong neither here nor there. That's how you'll always be- not quite in between, not near anywhere. Only always, in the way.
- Lara Hassan

Most Beautiful

At that time, I forgot the burden on your shoulders, how I do not live in this world alone. I thought I was at my ugliest form but there you were, with that loving glance. You told me that underneath the eyeliner and mascara that they masked on my face, the world only needs the voice of kind hearts spreading like good poison. To run through the veins of the afraid ones, just so they know they can be whatever they want and not be afraid of the unknowns. At that moment, I can't help but to think that you are the most beautiful broken piece I have ever encountered in my life.

- Arlo; Most Beautiful

Something

"I hope something happens. I don't want to wait here for nothing. I want something from you and you know that."

"How can I give you that when you are not important enough?" He said.

It felt like a punch in my throat. Terrible, terrible agony. And if that agony is a forest, I would burn it and set him in fire if i need to.

-AM

Kisah Lima Sekawan

Aku mula sambung belajar kat UiTM Bertam ni sejak September 2014, baru setahun kat sini tapi tahun depan dah nak habis belajar. InsyaAllah. Dan dekat dalam kelas, cuma ada 5 orang budak penerapan yang dari diploma. 4 perempuan dan sorang lelaki. Disebabkan semua orang adalah lepasan matriks dan asasi dan form 6, maka diorang dah sekelas dan berkawan sejak Part 1. Kami yang masuk terus lonjak ke Part 3 ni berkawan lah antara kami-kami sahaja.

Lima orang kami ini, Nicky, Maryam, Larissa, Amirah, dan aku. Masa Part 3 tak adalah rapat sangat. Tapi sejak hujung semester 4 sampai ke semester 5 ni, kemana sahaja kami berlima ja. Tak ada orang lain. bilik aku dengan Amirah dah jadi bilik kedua Maryam dengan Larissa. Kami ni memang jenis berkawan yang kena lengkapkan each other. Tak boleh nak sentap-sentap, gaduh-gaduh, sebab kami cuma ada each other. Haha.

Thank God yang semua orang memang okay dan jenis tak ada mudah sentap punya orang. Cuma ada la selisih faham sikit-sikit. But that's life, eh? Aku glad berkawan dengan semua diorang ni. Walaupun aku cuma berkawan dalam circle yang small, tapi banyak yang aku dapat belajar. Yang mana salah diambil pengajaran dan mana betul tu jadikan lah ikutan dalam kehidupan seharian.

Rasa sedih nak berpisah tu masih belum ada sebab next sem nak praktikal, dan kebetulan dapat pulak dekat tempat yang maha dekat. Kalau dah habis pon mungkin takkan sedih sangat sebab dorang duduk dekat Penang je kot. Haha.

I'm glad to call them my friends. Through thick and thin dorang ni ada. Cumanya Amirah, Maryam dan Larissa semua ada boyfriend. Every night bergayut, kalau kau kat tempat aku, kau rasa apa? Haha, nehiii aku tak sedih tak jealous tak insecure pon okay. Aku akan baca Quran sorang-sorang kat bucu meja. Aku pon ada kekasih jugak lah. HAHA!

Silence

"Why do you love me?"

"I don't know."

"I'm not worth to be loved."

"Why?"

And the silence surrounds.

(Via twitter)

I lived in a peculiar world, she said, in a place where reality ends and fiction begins. Maybe that's why I love you. -Michael Faudet

The excuse

What are worse than real breakups? Breakups without explanations that are filled up with disappointments and letdowns.

There's no warning. It's usually when things were getting good, he slows down. You know it's happening, but you choose not to believe it.

You make excuses for him when all that you really do is lying to yourself. "He's busy", "He's tired". You want to stop but you can't.

The hope is still there. And that what makes you want to still give it a try.

Then, just like that, he's gone. No explanation, nothing. It makes you wonder, "Am I not worth it?" You think you deserve an explanation.

And when you reach this point, you're the crazy one. You try to move on but with no closure, no event to blame it on, it's bloody difficult.

The wonder what went so wrong drives you crazy. You reread all the conversations you had with him, you want to know what was your fault/s.

You read countless articles that say it's not you, it's him. You go asking for your friends to convince you that you did nothing wrong.

But do you? If you did nothing wrong, why it keeps happening? There must be something wrong somewhere with you.

The saddest part is, you won't be able to get it over until you meet someone new. And the hanging kills you inside.

You envy those in actual defined relationships. Relationships that at one point, both of you believed that they were worth it.

There was time invested and feelings shared. And there can be a cause attributed to the break up. He cheated, he found someone else, etc.

At very least, there was a definitive "I want to break up" from one or both of the members in the relationship. And you want that. A reason.

You long for that simple cause and effect. You want to be done with what did you do, what did you say, why do you suck so much.

Sure, it's the easiest way out. But it's disrespectful and insulting. It makes the receiver feels humiliated and worthless.

It's not a boy/girl thing; it's just not something a human should do to another human.

If you cared about the person enough to invest even the slightest amount of your time, give them the explanation that they need.

Give them something to blame it on for their own sanity. And you won't feel so guilty too, that's for sure.

Some things are better left untold and unexplained but some people crave for that explanation; of what they did wrong. Let them have it.
-AB

What am I to you?

Sebab last awak call tadi, my heart still beats for you. Only you sayang.

Mak aku pernah cakap. Lelaki sekarang ni takde la nak pandang rupa sangat kat perempuan ni. Lelaki lagi suka perempuan yang independent tahu buat kerja2 rumah pastu boleh bahagi masa dengan kerja dengan anak lagi. Mak la cakap.

Mee goreng

Dua benda je yang aku buat sekarang.

Sama ada aku buat semua benda gila-gila,
Untuk lupakan dia.
Atau aku selalu termenung,
Sebab teringatkan dia.

Hari ni termenung terkantoi dengan Myra.
"Teringat kat Syah ke?" kata dia.

Terus aku senyum hambar. Dan mee goreng yang aku makan ni apesal ntah terus rasa tawar. =|

Mimpi lagi

Orang kata kalau kita mimpi pada seseorang tu, itu tandanya dia tengah rindu kita.

Jadi nak tanya ni, awak ada rindu saya ke awak?

Hahahahahhaha.
Woi, kau kata nak move on Amirah!

*tampaq diri sendiri 5 kali*
Tolong, hadapi realiti.

History

Otak aku dah mula create satu folder baru. Aku namakan folder tu History. Aku paste semua benda yang ada kamu. Dan aku simpan jauh. Cukup jauh untuk buat aku tak cari lagi.

Ceritanya sekarang otak dah boleh move on. Hati, kau bila lagi?

Hati

Aku baru dapat baki hati aku hari ni. Aku bagi dua tahun lalu. Dia baru pulangkan tadi. Sekarang biar aku simpan dulu hati ni. Takut kalau sakit lagi.

Tapi kalau awak ubah fikiran, nah sy bagi lagi. Saya dah cuci. Harap perasaan tu masih sama lagi.